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23 May 2008 @ 12:50
FIC: Clank. Clank. Clank. [Death Note.]  
Title: Clank. Clank. Clank.
Fandom: Death Note [manga].
Rating: NC-17 (ish?).
Genre: Crack, smutfic.
Summary: What the hell is Ryuuzaki doing?
Warnings: Porn & ridiculousness.
Pairings: Light Yagami/L, Light Yagami/himself.
Author's Note: twitchdemon said, "NOBODY HAS EVER MADE THE 'CLANK. CLANK. CLANK' 'WHAT ARE YOU- OH GOD.' FIC I WANT." She had a bad day. I made her a present. I have to repay her for the happy poos somehow. Enjoy, love!


---

CLANK. CLANK. CLANK.

---

Light Yagami had been typing efficiently and industriously for several hours. He knew the new Kira was related to Yotsuba somehow. He just had to prove it to Ryuuzaki. And he would do it, catch the unworthy one, and clear his name! He made a victorious fist with his left hand while continuing to type with his right. Industrious and efficient, indeed. Light really loved himself sometimes.

Clank. Clank. Clank.

"Would you hold still, Ryuuzaki?" Light said irritably, not turning from the computer screen. "It's hard to type industriously and efficiently when you're jostling me with that stupid chain."

"Sorry, Light-kun."

He seems oddly out of breath today, Light thought.

Clank. Clank. Clank.

"Ryuuzaki!" Light slammed the lid of his laptop closed and whirled in his chair to face the detective. "What in heaven's name are you OH MY GOD."

Ryuuzaki sat in his chair, legs parted, pants open, cock out and receiving double-handed attention.

Light screamed and fell out of his chair. Which had the unfortunate side effect of pulling Ryuuzaki and his devil-cock on top of him.

Lifting his face up out of Light's crotch, Ryuuzaki wrinkled his forehead and said, "Ow." His hands, Light noticed with growing terror, had not stopped nor moved from his cock.

"Ryuuzaki, put that away! It belongs in your pants!" Light squealed in a very un-godlike manner. "You can't do that in public, Ryuuzaki!"

"But this is not public, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki said, sitting up and readjusting his grip. "This is my building. I paid for it. Ooh, nice." He spread his legs.

Light shut his eyes tight. "Yes, but I'm here! You have to respect other people when you're - you're - thing!"

"I am sorry if I've disturbed you," Ryuuzaki said, earnestness slightly marred by the heaviness of his breath and the noises - oh dear god, the noises! - of hand on cock. "But I was thinking about what it would be like to catch Kira, and I was . . . overcome."

Light gulped. Well, at least he's focussing on the case again. . . . He opened his eyes a crack, looked at Ryuuzaki: flushed, lips slightly parted, hand squeezing, twisting, caressing at the end of the chain. Clank. Clank. Clank.

My, these pants are tight.

"Actually," Ryuuzaki added, after a moment's thought, "that's a lie. I was thinking about you in the shower."

Ryuuzaki, this is an unacceptable affront to my dignity. If you must fantasize about my hot body, please do not tell me about it. I don't wish to become vain, after all.

That was what Light planned to say. What came out, however, was: "And what, precisely, did you imagine I was doing?"

Ryuuzaki stared at him, eyes hooded. Then: "Unzip your pants, Light-kun."

Yeah, obviously. Light fumbled with his fly.

"You were - " Ryuuzaki gasped, rubbing his thumb over the head as he watched Light struggle with his underpants. " - soaping yourself up, Light-kun. All over your chest and your shoulders and your neck . . . your legs . . ."

Light moaned, managing at last to pull his cock out and curl his fingers around it, stroking roughly as he watched Ryuuzaki do the same. The detective edged closer to him on wobbly knees, staring from Light's flushed lips to his eager prick and back again.

"You were touching your nipples . . . letting the water run over them, and over your chest. . . ."

"Oh, yes," Light keened.

"Your cheeks were red. You were so hard, just like now. . . ."

"Oh, yes," Light screamed.

"And then . . . " Ryuuzaki whispered.

Light squeezed his eyes shut and stroked frantically, bucking his hips as Ryuuzaki edged ever closer.

"And then . . . "

"Oh, tell me, Ryuuzaki!"

"And then you confessed to being Kira," Ryuuzaki said.

"Oh!" Light shook. "Yes, yes, I am Kira! I am a mighty god with a cock of steel and great taste in designer suits! Oh, Ryuuzaki, bow to me!" With one final twist, he shuddered and came, sinking back into the piled carpeting with a drained sigh.

Then he sat up with a jolt.

"I mean - !"

Ryuuzaki panted, "Got you," and came all over Light's fancy dress pants. He wiped his hair out of his eyes, reached for a banana, and gave his tiny, C-shaped grin. "Just as planned."
 
 
 
雪恋詩: Headbangingsetsurenka on 23rd May 2008 17:30 (UTC)
Fucking priceless, and I don't even like that pairing. Made me laugh... A LOT. Especially I am a mighty god with a cock of steel and great taste in designer suits! That was a hilarious line. And the I mean - ! afterwards.

I enjoyed this little fic and many lulz were had. Thank you! :D
SCIENCE!: sketchy bbdaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:14 (UTC)
Heh, thank you for reading! Even though you don't like the pairing. <3

Omg, headbanging Laito. 8U WIN.
Olivia: MikamiICamemetalgeergirl on 23rd May 2008 18:08 (UTC)
LMFAO You win. FOREVER. Oh man, a doujin of this would be so hilarious.

...hmmm... maybe if I have the time, I'll draw it. :) Can't promise you it'll be all that great, then. :P
shayheyred: Death Note by Donesschenshayheyred on 23rd May 2008 18:11 (UTC)
Oh god, I would PAY to read that doujin. This is a brilliant little scene and I laughed my ass off.
SCIENCE!: matt!heartdaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:16 (UTC)
HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS. I would flip my shit. I always think scenes like this would work better illustrated, but I can't draw. XD

Thank you so much for reading and enjoying! If you do draw this, TELL ME AND I WILL WORSHIP YOU.
KXO: Light-okxo on 23rd May 2008 23:40 (UTC)
I love the fic, but I'm confused about something. Why would Yotsuba-arc!Light be able to confess to being Kira?

But anyway, Light/Light is pretty much my OTP.
SCIENCE!: ting teethdaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:18 (UTC)
ONOES, MY PLOTHOLE, IT HAS BEEN DISCOVERED. 8U

Well um um um. It. I. Um.

It's an AU?

. . .

. . . sorry. ;__;

Thank you for reading, anyways, even if I am kind of a sloppy writer sometimes. :D
KXOkxo on 25th May 2008 02:22 (UTC)
Haha, no worries. I was still amused.
p1fl: God Sharkp1fl on 24th May 2008 02:03 (UTC)
That made my day. Nothing is better than some good crack!smut ;D
SCIENCE!: sketchy bbdaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:19 (UTC)
Ahaha, thanks so much! Crack!smut is the best sort. :D (P.S. YOUR ICON. IT CONTAINS MUCH WIN.)
Sharply Dressed Decadent: Beetlejuice!Showtimetaito_kisses on 24th May 2008 03:20 (UTC)
When I have the attention span of something a bit more, umm, NOT GOLDFISH, I shall read it! :D

I can't focus on anything other then butterflies and Mighto Gai right now.
SCIENCE!: IT'S RAPIN TIME. KEKE.daughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:20 (UTC)
Heh, no worries and no hurry. Goldfish are cute, anyways. Aren't butterflies and Maito Gai kind of the same thing?
(Anonymous) on 26th May 2008 22:22 (UTC)
This is Thad. I'm just too lazy to log in.
Aren't butterflies and Maito Gai kind of the same thing?

You've blown my fucking mind.


I'd read it now but I'm on Mimi's com and she wants it back and my computer overheated. My computer can never take the Spring/Summer, even with the fan on it. D|
L: matter-of-factfirm_detective on 24th May 2008 03:21 (UTC)
I am dying of lulz over here. So wrong it's right.

(It's actually well-written, too... I don't really read enough fanfic to see much of that.)
SCIENCE!: lesbian porndaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:21 (UTC)
Yay! *blush* I'm glad you enjoyed it. *revives you from lulz!death*
ninjadog08 on 24th May 2008 19:12 (UTC)
"Oh!" Light shook. "Yes, yes, I am Kira! I am a mighty god with a cock of steel and great taste in designer suits! Oh, Ryuuzaki, bow to me!"

OMG. I just about pissed my pants laughing. To be honest, I was not expecting this to be so damn funny when I clicked on the link, but I was pleasantly surprised!
SCIENCE!: need a gundaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:24 (UTC)
Yay, I'm glad you liked it! Cracky shit always makes me laugh, so I'm glad you, er, soiled yourself, dear. :D
ayetechnovanilla on 24th May 2008 23:44 (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA

HERE ARE MY FAVORITE BITS:
EVERYTHING.
SCIENCE!: the porn . . . IT GLOWSdaughtersofisis on 25th May 2008 02:25 (UTC)
AHAHAHA, WOW. YOUR COMMENT MADE ME LULZ, ACTUALLY.

THANK YOU FOR READING! YOU ARE A SUPERHERO~ AND ILU~.
Kellyx_elfingal_x on 25th May 2008 04:11 (UTC)
lol, that was hilarious.
SCIENCE!: dis is mah lezbeenz icondaughtersofisis on 28th May 2008 02:33 (UTC)
Yay, glad you think so! Thanks for reading!
twitchdemontwitchdemon on 28th May 2008 02:10 (UTC)
FUCK I LOVE YOU. THIS SHIT IS FUCKING AMAZING. FIRST YOU WRITE ME HET AND NOW CRAZY!LIGHT PORN. YOU ARE TRULY THE IDEAL WOMAN. *GLOMP XONE BILLION*

He made a victorious fist with his left hand while continuing to type with his right. Industrious and efficient, indeed. Light really loved himself sometimes.
UM YEAH PRETTY MUCH. LIGHT, SO CRAZY. YOU, SO AWESOME.

"What in heaven's name are you OH MY GOD."
EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED IN A FIC AND MORE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

"Ryuuzaki, put that away! It belongs in your pants!" Light squealed in a very un-godlike manner. "You can't do that in public, Ryuuzaki!"
I LAWLED SO FUCKING HARD. THIS IS BRILLIANT.

My, these pants are tight. AND If you must fantasize about my hot body, please do not tell me about it.
I BET THIS IS WHAT ALL OF LIGHT'S THOUGHTS SOUND LIKE. "Jolly good wank, old fellow! My goodness, what a show of masculinity and perversity!" OR SOMETHING. MY BRAIN IS BROKEN FROM THE AWESOME, SORRY.

"And then . . . "

"Oh, tell me, Ryuuzaki!"

"And then you confessed to being Kira," Ryuuzaki said.

ENF ENF ENF. DUDE, I TOTALLY CAN SYMPATHISE. I LIKEWISE GET OFF WHEN PEOPLE CONFESS TO BEING KIRA.

"Yes, yes, I am Kira! I am a mighty god with a cock of steel and great taste in designer suits! Oh, Ryuuzaki, bow to me!"
AND PRETTY MUCH THE GREATEST LINE EVER WRITTEN.

IN CONCLUSION: THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. ILU SO HARD. <3333333
SCIENCE!: matt!heartdaughtersofisis on 28th May 2008 02:27 (UTC)
OH, LOVE ME HARD AGAIN, BABY.

I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT~! *GLOMPS YOU MANY LOTSES* BECAUSE I AM SO GOING TO HELL FOR THIS.

ACTUALLY, IF I WASN'T GOING TO HELL ALREADY, THIS WON'T PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE. SEQUEL TIME! (LAWL NO.)

IN CONCLUSION, I LOVE YOUUUUUUU. <33333
kattieiscool: niseikattieiscool on 30th May 2008 08:21 (UTC)
OH MY GOD. Fucking amazing. This is my favorite fic in the universe and I love you. :OOO
kattieiscool: whoopskattieiscool on 30th May 2008 08:23 (UTC)
No wait.

*THIS IS MY FAVORITE FIC IN THE UNIVERSE AND I LOVE YOU! :OOOOOOO


Better. :3
Light Yagami: [capslock] clank clank clankcurtainwizard on 13th February 2009 10:57 (UTC)
So I was just linked to this and I think it may be the most enjoyable L/Light fic I've ever seen. I'm still laughing.

In honour of it, I present this userpic. \o/